omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
