I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
