I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
