Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
