Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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