hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
