ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
