when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize