You're my little dorito
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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