When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm passing your future prison.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
