Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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