i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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