and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
