The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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