So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
