i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Damn victory sex feels great
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
