i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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