Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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