if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
