it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
cat food counts as protein by the way
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
