I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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