I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
