remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
