A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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