I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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