The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
