he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
