I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
