The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
