I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
