dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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