What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize