I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
