he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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