Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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