Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
