we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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