Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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