Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
