I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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