Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
