My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
