yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
