hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
