I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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