Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
