Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
