Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
