Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
