Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
