I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize