Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
