We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
