Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
