I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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