omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
