The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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