mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
