I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
3pm strippers are depressing
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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